Phobias...We Don't Need No Stinkin' Phobias...

Okay, so a little back story may be required for this one. I work as a Manager for a pretty big theatre production company here in Ontario. If you don't know what a stage manager does, thats okay...most people haven't got a clue. Basically, once a show is up and running, it is my responsibility to ensure that the artistic vision of the director is maintained, and that all of the technical elements of the production occur at the proper time. Lights, Sound effects, scene changes, video projections, cast entrances, even wardrobe and props all fall under my umbrella. Typically in Canadian Theatre, the Stage Manager is set up in a booth out front, watching the show. The picture above will give you a decent idea of what I see during a performance. I am also in direct contact with all of the backstage crew, and any Assistant Stage Managers working backstage via clear com headsets. Using the clear com, the stage manager leterally "calls the show", giving standby's and Go's for all of the required cues. Typically, if all goes well, the shows runs exactly the same each and every performance.
So now that you have had a brief lesson on how I do what I do, we get to the point....today not everything went according to plan...
Right after I had given a standby for a cue sequence, what I consider to be a giant spider crawled out from under my prompt script and scuttled away behind one of my computer monitors. Other than being a little freaked out, this initial discovery didn't bother me too much...while I don't like spiders or big creepy bugs of any kind...he seemed content to leave me in peace. I announced his arrival over headset, much to the enjoyment of my backstage crew, and promptly forgot about him. In the rural setting I am working in right now, bugs and creepy crawly's in the booth are basically an every day occurrence. It wasn't until a few minutes later when the little bastard reappeared and startled my video operator, Kim, that things went down hill in the booth. He quickly disappeared again, and suddenly both Kim and I were on high alert. She wouldn't put her feet on the floor, and neither of us would rest our arms on the consoles that we need to operate for the various cues in the show. Things got worse a moment later when he suddenly scuttled out from underneath the lighting board and made a creepy quick bee line for my right hand. I caught sight of him out of the corner of my eye and shrieked like a little school girl, jumping about 4" in the air straight out of my chair as I did so. Now, I have no issues admitting that I am a grown man with a fear of spiders, and while I recognize that I have no actual logical reason to fear a common garden variety spider the size of a nickel, it was such an intense and guttural reaction that I literally didn't have an ounce of control over my response. My backstage crew of course died laughing, and who can blame them? What ensued in the booth was likely pretty funny to eavesdrop in on over clear com, as Kim and I attempted to track down and kill this 8-legged menace before he could terrorize us further. We literally spent the rest of the show in full alert, attempting to chase down and exterminate the little bastard between cueing sequences. We failed. Miserably. Every time we would locate him, he would scuttle off on his 8 creepy little legs before we could send him for a dirt nap. I say we, but really it was mainly Kim trying to squash him while I attempted to keep the show running smoothly without provoking subsequent attacks. I am certain that, other than our backstage crew on headset, no one in the audience or onstage would have any idea about the epic battle being waged in the booth during the performance.
The wiley little bastard eluded us for the entire show, but luckily, at the end of the show, we were able to turn on the lights and flush something out of hiding from under my chair, where Kim quickly stomped it flat. My only concern is that the creepy crawler that she squashed may not have been the spider who had eluded us throughout today's show...in which case, he could be back tomorrow, bigger and meaner than ever....and if we are really unlucky, he will bring all his creepy little bastard friends...
I think I am going to bring a hammer along to work tomorrow to keep in the booth...just in case.